Grandma Carolyn--The Queen

www.livingthegypsylife.com

The last couple of weeks have been interesting times.

I have moved out, put my stuff in storage.

I have stayed with my son Adam and Penny and Kai Kai.

I got to play and sleep every day and night with Kai for a week.

Also getting to love on Buster, my dog as well.

You see, they will take care of Buster while I’m on my Gypsy Life adventure.

Also got to stay with a special friend

Anna for a couple of days.

I then flew to Indiana,

where I’ll stay for “a bit”

with Mark and Vanessa and Baby Zion.

What Joy fills my heart.

Also went over to a friends house and stayed a few days,

Steve and Jan Schmidt.

While at their house, sitting on their porch swing I realized that

I used to live next door, years and years ago.

Such an interesting time in my life.

Waking up to new adventures,

and

closing down some old adventures.

COME FOLLOW ME

on

my

NEW ADDITIONAL BLOG

(Not to replace this blog, but in ADDITION)

at

WWW.LIVINGTHEGYPSYLIFE

It’s just a new chapter of my life.

and

I believe you might relate to some of its adventures.

This blog will still be up and running.

See you over at The Gypsy Life as well.

2 years later to the day

I can’t even believe that 2 years ago, today, my life was altered forever, in many positive ways and many negative ways.  I choose to believe that because of this accident I have changed for the better, and as I continue to struggle with some things, I still believe that I can take value from this experience.

I was moving into a new condo, on a Saturday morning, and my landlady told me to put some bar stools up in the attic for her since I would not be needing them in my home.  I had movers outside in the driveway waiting for me, as I just “HAD” to put those stools away right that minute.  As I walked into the attic I felt the bottom floor, and it was solid wood. The only problem with this scenario is that as I continued to walk on the floor, part of it was NOT hardwood. It had been covered all in the same paper, but half of the floor was sheetrock.  As I stepped down, I found myself falling straight down about 11′ onto concrete below in the garage.  As I fell I grabbed frantically for any piece of wood that I could hold onto, but no such luck. I can only tell you that I had one of those “life before you in a split second” experience.  I really thought there was a good chance I would die.  I had nightmares for months and months.  I intuitively put my foot out to catch myself and I could feel my leg snap as I hit the ground.  As I lay on the concrete I was in horrific pain, unable to speak, and the movers and people that loved me were outside screaming for me to speak. My mouth just couldn’t open.  For a about 5 minutes no one knew if I was dead or alive.  I was alive, but in shock.

Not until they all busted in and I saw people around me did I really realize that I was actually alive.  The EMT men showed up, and as they whisked me into the ambulance and dripped morphine into my veins.   One of the EMT guys assured me that what just happened to me was a miracle. I was alive.  ”I hope you know how lucky you are because the people I see with that kind of drop, are NOT coming out of it as good as you are right now”.  ”Sure, you have a broken leg, but you are not paralyzd and you are alive”.  I knew instantly that my life was spared, and I also knew instantly that I sincerely could feel God in that ambulance, and that I would never be the same again.

I broke my ankle in 3 places, and had surgery.  I had a ligament that had totally separated from the bone, but it was not detected until AFTER surgery and 6 weeks later.  After I changed dr.’s, I then had 3 MORE surgeries.  In the past 2 years I have had 4 surgeries, 12 different casts, 45 dr. visits, 62 physical therapy appointments, over 40 chiropractic visits, a dozen acupuncture treatments, shingles on my foot, a torn menescus in the knee, and developed RSD Pain syndrome. I’ve had my leg taped with weird tape, boots that are high, boots that are low, porta potties, shower chairs, cains and walkers.  I lived with friends for over a year.  I also lived in a wheelchair, crutches, boots, braces and ugly shoes.  All I know is that I am alive to tell the story.  Unfortunately I found out last week that  that I am looking at another surgery  in about 6 months.  The Dr. wants to take out all the existing hardware (plates, screws, bolts, and rubber bands), and also possibly break a bone in my toe  that has malformed due to the way my foot has changed since the surgeries.  I live in a good amount of pain still, with arthritis filling both my knees and my ankle.

That’s all the negative, yuk stuff.  But my story doesn’t end there, it actually just begins from here.

There have been more things that I have learned than I could possibly begin to describe, or even comprehend.  There were so many months that I was so angry at God that I really felt abandoned.  My life completely came to a stop.  I have still not recovered physically or financially, and yet my anger has stopped.  Now, I find myself being grateful for this experience.  I find myself smiling that I am Alive.  I struggled for so long because I didn’t want to be grateful, and I wasn’t grateful. I wasn’t grateful for anything!!!!  Slowly instead of always counting what I have lost, I find myself counting the things I have gained.  I have gained a deeper understanding of WHO I am, The Carolyn without the cute high heels, the Carolyn who has to now wear Dr. School’s shoes instead.  I am Carolyn outside  of the woman who used to always be flitting around, quick and fast.  I am Carolyn who has a love for people that is larger than my anger.  I am Carolyn who knows that ultimately she doesn’t understand God at ALL, and that it is OK, he still loves me.  I am Carolyn who feels at times I’ve been like a little girl screaming at God, and yet I have found a God that loves me no matter what!! I Am Carolyn who empathizes with others in pain on a very real and deep level.  I am Carolyn who knows that I am stronger than I could ever have imagined.  I am Carolyn who is a FIGHTER, and I never really knew how much.  I am Carolyn who outside all the external props is really a deeply loving and caring person who has so much more insight and depth than even she knew she had.  I am Carolyn who truly is grateful to be alive, and loving life again.

One of the most important lessons I learned through all of this is:  IT’S OK TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL.  Absolutely number one lesson. I always felt guilty because I knew that I should be grateful that I was alive.  But I wasn’t.  I actually didn’t want to live in such pain.  For over 6 months I suffered from a nerve damage problem, and the pain was horrific.  And I wasn’t grateful to be alive.  And everyone kept telling me that others had it worse, and I knew they did, but I also knew that mine was bad.  Why wasn’t it ok that I too was suffering.  Why wasn’t it ok for me to hurt and grieve and be angry.  I think we so often keep telling other people how they should think and feel.  I truly believe that one of the most important things we can do for ourselves is to ACCEPT how we feel.  Feel it, Grieve it, and Heal from it. Stop denying how you feel!  How we feel is how we feel.  We don’t need to keep feeling guilty all the time. The healing will happen when we allow ourselves to accept how we feel.

The other major lesson I have learned is that God is NOT to be understood, and never will be.  I spent so much of my time trying so hard to understand why my life came to such a screeching STOP.  The WHY just really isn’t that important to me anymore. There is no ultimate why me, there are lots of reasons WHY NOT ME.  God is a God of mystery and he likes it that way.  I have come to realize that all the time I have spent trying to figure things out is really a waste of my time.  Now I try to continually ask “What can I learn from this experience, and how can I use it to change my life”.  My relationship with God is different.  It’s better but its different.  Its more mysterious and closer, which almost sounds like a paradox, but its true.  Because now I am able to love God without spending all my time analyzing him, figuring him out, and questioning everything.  It has allowed me to just LOVE.  And so much of my growth comes from my Choice of what I want to do with it, and I have stopped blaming God for so much of what has happened in my life.

I am sitting here at my daughter Vanessa’s house as I write this.  Ironically I have once again become “homeless”.  I am now calling it my Gypsy Life.  I moved into a cute cottage for a year, and just recently moved out of it, putting all my belongings in storage, and even selling my car.  Almost  2 years to the day I find myself on another Gypsy journey.  But this time I am much more active and deliberate.  Because of the pain I have had trouble sustaining my coaching at full-time speed.  I’m willing to loose things right now so that I can gain other things.  I believe with my whole heart that I have been called to help  and encourage other women with their lives.  I also know with conviction that I am to write a book, and that I needed to take some financial pressure off so I can really devote my time to writing.  I am completely taken over by my desire to follow my dream.  I feel like after going through all of this that I simply must make something good out of it or else it feels like a waste.

I may not have it down perfectly, but I do know that I will never look at Time  the same way ever again.  All I know for sure, is that today I am alive, and tomorrow may hold a whole new situation.  I want Today to COUNT for something good.

Two years ago, I fell.  Today I rise.

Kai Kai thinks her grandma is a queen. I think so too. I am thriving

Two days ago I got a phone call from a very special friend of mine, Steve Schmidt.  He called me and left a message:  ”Hey Carolyn, I know you’re having a rough summer and I’d like to throw something out at you, give me a call back”.  My curiosity lead me to return his call rapidly.

“Carolyn, I know that right now you’re kind of going through a rough patch with that whole “empty nest” thing.  Adam got married,  Zion left you, Austin graduated and went off to college and you still live in physical pain with your leg.  I want to offer something.  I am noticing that you aren’t blogging.  I thought maybe I could be a Guest Blogger for you.”

Wow, Steve was right, I am struggling right now, and I just haven’t quite got back in the groove.  Whoa, its true, I haven’t been blogging. I told Steve I would love for him to guest blog, it will help me get slowly back into it.

Steve even promised that I had  full editor’s rights to his piece and could do whatever I wanted to with it.    (Steve calls me often and tells me what I should leave out of my blogs,  or  what I should have put in.  Of course he tells me all this AFTER they are published).   So for Steve  to give me the right to edit HIS work, well, that was kind of funny to me.  Of course it was perfect, needing nothing from me.  Of course.  Too bad. 

After I hung up the phone I was actually quite Giddy.  I was giddy, not so much because he was going to be a guest blogger, although I am thrilled was thrilled with the notion.  No, I was giddy BECAUSE HE NOTICED!!!  He noticed that I hadn’t been blogging, and he noticed that I was having a rough time.  He noticed that I could maybe use some help to get me going again.  He NOTICED. To me there is no greater compliment than when someone Notices you. Notices your mood, notices your presence, notices your perfume, notices your tears, notices your life, notices YOU.   I was just so darn honored that he noticed.  And so thrilled that he cared about my little blog over here, the one that is my baby, the one that hasn’t been tended to or cared for much lately.  Steve noticed that my blog has been void. And I was honored that Steve would even want to be in my little space.

GRANDPA, STACKS AND LIFE

Guest Blogger

Steve Schmidt

I don’t know about you, but I am desperately in need of a retreat.  As I write this, I am aware that I haven’t even blogged in over a month. So many great and wonderful things happening. Baby Zion was born 12 weeks ago,  Austin graduated from high school last Saturday, and Adam is marrying his best friend this Saturday.  Then after all the parties, Austin is off to college in 3 weeks. I guess I’m a bit tired.  Oh and I am back in Physical Therapy, and I’m really trying hard to get my leg BETTER, and without so much pain.

Here’s the truth.  I LOVE every bit of what is going on in my life.  All of it. I’m savoring it. But, let’s face it, even Good stuff can be exhausting. I’m physically tired, especially my leg, I’m financially “taxed” after not working for over a year because of my accident, and I am lacking that OOOMPH that I need to really get back to “work”.   And yet, I must.  It’s time. After I ship Austin off to college, I am entering a new phase in my life.  A scary and yet exciting phase. I am a woman in transition. I will be an “empty nester”, and my life will look and feel differently.  I’m gonna be honest, I’m not looking forward to it. Austin is my baby, and I can’t imagine my home without him.  I can’t imagine not going to his concerts, or him eating me out of house and home, or doing his laundry, or staying up late with him to do “that” homework that was supposed to be done yesterday. I will miss the impromptu guitar music that fills my home, and I actually will miss making him breakfast EVERY morning.  I will miss sharing tea time with him.  I just don’t feel mentally ready for him to go to college.  And I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, he’s just going away to college, and it’s ALL good;  but it still changes my life, and it changes me and what I need to do for ME.

My path has been a difficult one for almost 2 years now.  My life has changed dramatically.  I fell 10′ from an attic floor onto a concrete slab.  I broke my leg severely, that resulted in 4 surgeries, 12 casts, dozens and dozens of dr. visits, pain management, rehab and financial disaster.  I’m beginning to get better, but I have a ways to go to build myself and my life back up again. But……I am grateful beyond measure that I will be able to walk down the aisle at my son’s wedding, I am able to hold baby Zion without crutches, and I can drive Austin to college.  I have so much to be grateful for.  So very much.  But………It’s still time to put some good stuff back into myself.

I NEED A RETREAT!!!  And hopefully this summer, I will take some time out in CA for a personal retreat at my Uncle’s beach house above San Francisco.  I am craving time to reflect, to journal, to write, to eat healthy, and to connect back in with ME. It’s really the ONLY way I see this transition thing working for me.  I need to take a BREATH, and I need to BE with ME. I do enough retreats to know that this will really be the only way for me to make sense of what all the past 2 years have been about, and to grasp all the transitions and good stuff happening as well. Time alone with me will fill my soul with inspiration, and I know without a shadow of a doubt I will come away feeling rejuvinated and ready to enter this new phase of my life.

Do you feel like this sometimes?  You feel like you just can’t catch your breath?  Like you have forgotten who you are?  You don’t have any real new goals?  Or that luster for life is dulled.  Are you too, a woman in transition?  Do you need some time for YOU?  I’m sure you can relate to all of this. It’s so easy to take care of everyone else BUT ourselves.  Even when there are wonderful, beautiful and loving things happening to us, we still need time to reflect on life and where to from here?

I encourage you to think about going on a RETREAT this Summer or Fall with me as your facilitator.  My retreats are medicine for the soul.  They are designed for loving, quiet and reflective time. You will walk away inspired.  I am putting together my Summer and Fall schedule.  I am so excited this year because I believe in Retreats even more than I have ever before.  I will be offering many different types, price ranges, and themes.  I know nothing that will energize you and inspire you like a retreat will.  I have women that say after a small 3 hour retreat they feel like they were gone a week.  It can be magical.

I have a Retreat Blog that I would love for you to go to.   Right now, I’m asking you to fill out a very short survey to help me know what YOU need and want in a retreat.  Please take the time to fill this out, I really appreciate it.

Consider YOURSELF this year.  Do something that you have never done before to energize YOU.  Seriously think about a retreat for YOU. I think you will be amazed at what it can bring you.

Below is the link for my Retreat Blog:

http://carolynsretreats.blogspot.com/2011/06/survey.html

When I got home from being with baby Zion for 6 weeks, my surroundings looked dramatically different.  I was warned, but there was no way I could comprehend what it really felt like.

I live at the end of a beautiful drive, where it feels like you are coming home to a place of solitude, retreat and coziness.  On both sides is beautiful trees, lots of foliage, and lush Florida fauna.  It feels woodsy and yet tropical at the same time.  The irony is that I really live off a pretty busy road, and its right smack dab in the middle of Sarasota, 1 block from a Starbucks (happy me), and the Dollar Theatre (again happy me), and  …………..lots of fun stuff.  When I drive down my path to get to my cottage, I have to punch in a code for the gate to open.  It’s private, it’s safe and I love it.  Even though it’s only 600 sq. ft total, I live my life pretty much the same.  I have tea parties, birthday parties, family dinners, late night chats, and where Buster still rules the house and where Austin and I fight over the laptop.

But, something happened, and now everything has changed.

New owners have moved in next door, and they decided to CUT down all the trees that would line his property, and thus exposing his house completely to mine.  Gone are ALL the trees that lined his property.  My little hideaway cottage is now pretty much completely open space on the ride side.  I can now hear the traffic from two major streets, and I have an eyesore of a building from my backyard.  YUCK.  I had it so perfect.

At first I really was devastated.  How dare them.  They should have at least asked my landlord.  What were they thinking?  This is a bird sanctuary, I bet they weren’t even legally allowed to do that.  How could they just completely destroy good trees, and thus leaving me exposed.

But, don’t let me be too dramatic.  It still has LOTS and LOTS of foliage, and beautiful lush fauna all around my property.  But, I am no longer completely enclosed in my own safe world of retreat.  I now sit in my front little patio and I see “that” house, and this ugly old building.

Then, after a few days, I realized that all my whining, and complaining, and mentally beating my neighbor up, wasn’t going to change the situation.  It had happened, it was out of my control, and it had now become MY problem.  What was I gonna do about it.

I had to say out loud, which I have been doing ALOT lately to other things as well…. “I don’t want it, I didn’t ask for it, but this is what I’ve got, and now what am I  gonna do with it?”  Pretty loud words for the situation.  Loud words for much of my life, and things that have happened.  So, what are you gonna do with it now Carolyn?

I started looking around and realizing that I still loved my little home.  I still had such beautiful surroundings on all other sides, and something surprising has begun to happen.  The sun is poking through in the evenings and shining beautiful rays in my little patio area.  Where it once felt like it was so dark it was time to go to bed around 4:30 in the afternoon, it now is beautifully lit up, and I enjoy the sun coming through my little living room window.

I have realized that I have a choice of how I what I want to look at all of this.

All I have to do is literally change where I’m sitting and I get a new view.

When I sit in these chairs I have the option of three different views.  These are the options I have.

I guess it’s that simple.  All I have to do is choose where I sit, and the view changes.  Dramatically it changes.  I have to choose this everyday.  And it has truly helped me manage my life in a new way.  Because each day, like 20 times a day when I walk outside, I get to choose what I want to dwell on and look at.  I rarely choose the house side, the one that exposes me to the “outside” world.  I always choose the seat that allows me to look at the beauty ALL around me. And there is plenty.  I am determined that I will not wake up every morning cursing my neighbor and wishing it were different.  I can’t live my life this way.

There are some things we can change, and then there are some things we can’t change.  And if we can’t change them, then we better figure out how to live with it, and turn it into something good.  Truth is, we all like perfection.  We all want this perfect life, or at least some part of it to be perfect.  And I thought I had found this perfect little get away. After all, it’s so tiny, and if I have to live in such a tiny house, then I at least want it to be perfect in other areas. WRONG.  Life is not perfect, houses are not perfect, surroundings aren’t perfect.  How I choose to deal with it is the only perfectly good logic.  So, in the end, it is Perfect.  It’s The Perfect VIEW.

The VIEW is always MY choice.

And I’ve still got a pretty good view, living down the path of a beautiful little road.

The Number one question I get all the time……”so what really is a life coach”?  I find that I STILL stumble with an answer.  Isn’t that awful.  I KNOW, I KNOW, I”m supposed to have my “elevator speech” ready to go.  But I don’t like pat elevator speeches.  So I stumble.

Here’s my “elevator speech”.  A Life coach is someone that helps you navigate your life in a positive way. She helps you set goals, find your gremlins that prevent you from moving forward, and helps you strategize about how to achieve those goals.  It’s  a relationship that is developed unlike therapy.  It’s a co-relationship where the client takes responsibility for finding answers instead of the coach giving the answers.

Does that really mean a thing to you?  I didn’t think so.

I’m really so much more casual about everything.  I am very professional in my job, but less professional in my style and my marketing.

I don’t like pat answers.  But it still bugs me that I stumble each time I’m asked.  I think its because it is so personal to each person. Each person’s journey with me is unique.  For that matter, I don’t even want to be called a life coach.  But, I haven’t found a better word to replace it with.

Simply,  I help you figure out your life.  I help you find your strengths, your talents, your creativity, your weaknesses, and I help you put it all together so you can get your MOJO back.

DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I COACH ABOUT?

1. SELF-ESTEEM.  Who are you?  Who are you outside of what you DO?

2. YOU ARE STUCK.  You have some decisions to be made and you need help processing them.

3. CAREER.  You have always wanted to do something else, but you don’t know where to begin.

4. YOU.  Just you.  You just feel dull, feel numb, feel lifeless, feel useless, and you need a re-charge.

5. OVERWHELMED.  You feel overwhelmed in all areas of your life, and you need some help sorting it out.

6  RELATIONSHIPS.  You are feeling lost in your relationship with your spouse or other persons in your life.

7. SELF-CARE.  You want to take care of yourself better, lose weight, exercise, take a mental break, and you       want to sort through some of your past failures, your goals, and you want do it NOW.

8. LACK OF PURPOSE.  You feel like your life is lacking that feeling of pizazz, and contribution to the world.       You feel you have no real sense of purpose.

9. SPIRITUALITY.  I am a safe place to vent your frustration about a God that feels unloving.  I am a safe place to vent your hurts you  have had in regard to church or other christians.  I am a safe place to explore what spirituality means to you.  I love the questions, and I love the discussion.

10.  ANYTHING.  Whatever you want to talk about, or process, or sort through, I am READY.

This is just a sampling of topics.  It is challenging, inspiring, life changing, and fun all at the same time.

Please write me, and I will give you a y 30 minute complimentary session to see if Coaching might be something you could value from.

My email address is carolynmarieg@hotmail.com

I’m leaving on a jet plane……

As I write this I’ve been gone from Baby Z for about 2 hrs. and 55 minutes to be exact.  But then again, who’s counting.  I AM.

I will have been gone 6 weeks tomorrow from my home.  The delicious days of loving Zion’s precious cheeks, kissing his toes, and holding him tight to my chest have come to an end.  Well, certainly not a forever end, but for this segment of time they have ceased.  I feel like my favorite candy store just shut down.  He is as sweet as candy.  I kiss him, and I swear there are droplets of pure sugar cane on his little cheeks and mouth. (Maybe its droplets from his momma’s milk, who knows, I like to believe it’s HIM).

I planned on being there for 2 weeks, and 2 weeks turned into 4 and then those weeks turned into 6.  I was needed.  I stayed.  I now have to leave.

I feel so torn.  I have missed Austin, who is MY baby.  He needs me, he doesn’t know it, but he does.  I have missed Kai Kai, my other grandchild, and I’ve missed Penny and Adam, my other son, and soon to be daughter-in-law.  I don’t like this, I don’t like it at all.  I keep telling Vanessa that “we just aren’t the kind of family that should be apart”.  And it’s true.  I like my world revolving around my kids.  I love the fact that we LIKE each other, and we all enjoy each other’s company.  No, we really aren’t the kind of family that should be separated.  But we are. We really are.    We are a family that lives miles and miles  apart from each other.  And it’s only going to get worse, as Austin leaves for college in the fall.

I have lived in 7 states, 9 cities, and over 30 houses.  I have known this feeling for too many years.  I remember when Austin was only 3 months old we moved from Indiana to California. We were saying goodbye to friends, and I had to take him out of my best friend’s arms, and get in the car, and DRIVE a very very long ways.  I cried the whole way.  I didn’t want to be one of those families then, and I don’t want to be now.  But I am.

I have such a romantic view of family, and how I want it to look.  I grew up in the same house, in the same city, the same state for over 19 years.  My grandma lived next door to me, and every Easter and Thanksgiving I gathered with over 25 cousins, and lots of aunts and uncles.  We had what you call a very large “extended family”.  When Easter came, my girl cousins and I would always try to outdo each other with our Easter dresses when we were little, and as we got older we would try to outdo each other’s  Easter “get ups”.  There was always hundreds of easter eggs, chocolate ones filled with gooey stuff, and plastic ones filled with money.  There were some years I actually came home with over $10.00  A very very good Easter Egg Hunt for sure.

Then I got married, and it all changed.  We moved from California to Indiana.   (I know, I know, lots of moves cross country).  I literally cried straight solid for over 18 hours.  I had never lived apart from my family, and while I was excited to be married, and start a new life, I didn’t want to do it without my family.  I have spent the last 34 years of my life saying goodbye to someone, somewhere, sometime.  And today, I find myself doing it again.  Darn, I didn’t want to be one of these families.  But We Are.

Funny, people that see me or know me would not naturally assume how much of a homebody I am.  When Vanessa and I are together we lay in bed and we watch Little House on the Prairie,  Andy Griffith, and we watch the movie Little Women.  Now, don’t let me totally mislead you, we also watch plenty of NCIS for me, and Teen Mom for her. But quite truthfully, those are kind of just “filler” shows in comparison to our comfort shows.  Yes, in so many ways I continually long for a quieter lifestyle, and I long for the return to when families stayed together more, and didn’t have to live so far apart.  I long for the big family dinners, the ones where the table has “leafs” that you put in, and you all sit around for a long time talking and laughing.  Is this a romantic view of family life.  Yeah, it is, but I like it, and I want it.  And I have had lots of glimpses of this life through the years. Many wonderful memories around my own table when I was married, and also lots and lots of memories of being with my extended family.

I think of all my moves in the past 30 years and they are bittersweet.  My heart has been ripped in thousand of pieces with lots of goodbyes, to family, best friends, and homes that I have loved.  The goodbyes almost always brought new adventures, new friends, new lovely homes, and great experiences, but not without a price.

“These days” jobs are harder to come by, and people move.  Education is at a premium, and you go where you can get accepted, and where you can afford to attend.  Families are divided by divorce and new opportunities are presented to us in exciting and different ways.  So, families are divided, and they move, and they cry.  On this flight, on my way home, I cry.  I cry for the mixed feelings I feel.  I am leaving ones I love only to be greeted by others whom I love as well.

Yes, I really do wish that I could have the best of all the worlds.  I want to have WIFI, but I also want to have a cook stove.  I want to can my own foods, and I want to be able to go to Starbucks.  I want to grow my own vegetables and I want all my family to sit around the table and eat them with me.   I’m really not as modern as I appear.  I live with a constant yearning for simplicity.

Life is certainly not simple.  But, I vow everyday to somehow make it more simple.  I want and need less.  I want and need more of my family.  I never dreamed that I would have to be saying goodbye to my precious 5 week old grandbaby.  I have no choice but to accept this.  But,  I will certainly spend the rest of my life finding as many ways as I can to have lots of family dinners. Dinners where miles don’t seem to matter.

Today I grieve.  I have left Baby Z.   I will never get used to the tug in my heart. The tug to want to be home with my family members here,  and the tug to want to be with Zion there.  Yep, I’m a romantic, and I want my family together in one city.  It’s doubtful that will happen.  So, I must find a way to live with this angst.  I can only embrace the moments I have.  Accept the time I have with each.  And learn more and more and more to just BE with the moment.  This is the only way I can find peace.  I need to learn how to spend less time worrying about what I don’t have, and just loving what I do have, when I have it

I want to BE where I AM.  Not wishing I was someplace else, and then when I’m someplace else, wishing I was at the other someplace else.  I need, I want to BE right where I am at the time.  And then just BE.  Hard stuff to do.  But the only real thing I CAN do that makes sense to me.  Because today I had to leave on a jet plane, and I feel sad.

I wrote this article not long after the Haiti earthquake.

I thought about editing it to change the wording to be about Japan .

I decided to leave it just like it is.

Truth is, Haiti or Japan, its all the same need.

Plus…

It’s that much more compelling to think that all this devastation is now happening in Japan as well as Haiti.

The needs are huge.

It never ends.

If you feel at times like you can’t really do anything to help…

and you feel helpless,

You need to read this NOW.

Below is the article I wrote last year:

Within all of us I believe there is a yearning for wanting something more. More love, more toys, more clothes, more money, more play time, more friends, more physical attributes (you know what I’m talking), more, more, more, more. In an effort for our wanting more, we often forget that truthfully usually have all that we need. We just WANT MORE. That’s not to say that some of our wants are legitimate.  But in light of Haiti’s disaster I have to wonder how many are real needs.

I, like everyone else am glued to the haunting pictures, videos and stories that are coming out of the Haiti devastation. Now there’s a country that truly does need more. We all watch and cry, and wonder how these people are physically and emotionally able to go through this pain and devastation. They need so much it seems almost impossible to think that a country can rebuild itself after such a major catastrophe.  They seriously do need more money, more food, more clothing, more toys.

I have felt helpless and saddened that I can’t financially give much to help the efforts in Haiti.  At times it has left me feeling detached and somewhat envious of others whom are able to help in such dramatic financial and physical ways. I want to do something. I want to be part of something positive to help these poor struggling people. Right now, I’m financially depleted and I can’t help.  I can’t go there because of all my surgeries I’ve been having.  So, I feel rather frustrated and sad that I can’t help.

Yesterday I drove by a huge billboard that said: “WHAT’S YOUR CAUSE?” and underneath that question it said:  ” LET YOUR LIFE BE YOUR MESSAGE”. There it was… so plain and simple. It doesn’t even cost me a penny. “Let your Life be your Message”  It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I WANT my life to be my message.  I began thinking that maybe my life IS the help I want to give.  That simple billboard, of all things, helped me realize that I CAN do something. I can do something that not only will help Haiti but has the possibility of helping our whole world. You are wondering how in the world can I do that? The answer lies in a question: What if I took that quote and made it a reality?  What if I really did make my life MY message?

I want to be AFFECTED by what is going on. I don’t want to just watch this stuff on t.v. and be just a spectator.  I want to be CHANGED by what’s going on. I want to take this experience of Haiti and become a better person.   These are the things I CAN DO: I can become more satisfied with what I have. I can become more gracious and  loving and more accepting of others. This feeling of love that I have for those hurting can be given to my world, my peeps, my clients. This love that I have can be given to the driver who is cutting me off, the clerk who’s made a mistake, the inurance companies that I can’t stand.  I am able to offer words of encouragement instead of discouragement, and I can decide to forgive when it may be difficult.  I can tell those around me that I love them, and I can commit to a life of kindness.  I can let my life be my message and I can do it in honor of those suffering in Haiti. And you too can take the challenge.

I challenge you to Be Courageous and share yourself, and your love, with all those around you in an authentic way in honor of those hurting and suffering right now. We can be the change we all want to see. Let those suffering have some dignity. Let us show and give love in their honor. Give yourself today, and tomorrow, and Become a Better person through the process.

LET YOUR LIFE BE YOUR MESSAGE

Baby Zion came home a couple of weeks ago.

When he was in the hospital it all felt so sterile and clean.

Extreme measures were taken to make sure that Vanessa and baby were kept well.

Blood pressure was taken every few hours,

along with

shots of antibiotics for both mommy and baby, due to a small fever.

Zion’s vital signs were checked all through the night,

his liquids were measured,

and

his temperature monitored.

Nurse Valerie who was such a great nurse

AND THEN……….

the day came that Baby Z and mommy came home.

Baby Zion's Coming Home outfit

Baby Zion in his car seat on the ride home

It’s always so odd to me that you can live in such extreme sterile-like conditions at the hospital for days, and then you are literally whisked out of your wheelchair and into your car.  That’s it.  You’re done.  You’re on your own.  No more pampering, no more careful measures for your safety or the baby’s, and you are now in the real world.  (Although I know that people often say if you want to get sick go stay in a hospital). Having a newborn baby brings purity to a whole new level for me.

Ever since Zion has been born I’ve had this very strong sense of what real purity is.  A baby’s body is untouched by perfumes, soaps, filth, dirt, or hands that are chapped from work, or legs that are sore from walking.  A baby’s bottom is what we call “soft as a baby’s bottom”.  His diet is strictly breast milk.  It doesn’t get any more organic and wholesome than this.   His physical body has no chemicals on it or in it.  He has eaten no sugar, no cake or candy, no steak for dinner, nor has he inhaled second hand smoke, or breathed in car pollution.  Zion has never heard harsh words, (well maybe a loud laugh from his Grandma Carolyn), but he has never had to hear loud annoying sounds.  Zion has not had any feelings of rejection, or sorrows to bear.  He has NOT been called anything but beautiful,  smart, and unbelievably bright for his age.  Everyone  loves his name and often comment on it.  He smells good, dresses great, and he lights up our world.   Zion is loved from many many people.  He is PURE.

This image of pureness has really gotten to me this week. Especially as we have all watched, in horror, the images of what is happening in Japan.  We live in a world of uncertainly not only economically,  but we also live in fear of major earth catastrophes.  Those images of Japan, mixed with the images I have of newborn baby Zion Elijah, has me thinking alot about how I pollute my body.  I corrupt my pureness in so many ways.  Some things I can’t help happening, like earthquakes, or tsunamis, but sooo many things I CAN make happen.  I may not be able to live in a 100% clean air environment, but I certainly can CHOOSE what I put in my body.  Thinking about Zion’s pureness has caused me to think long and hard before  I go to reach for certain junk foods that I like, or drink the diet Coke, that I am absolutely committing to quit drinking.   Zion’s pureness has made me aware of how much I have polluted my own body.

As I have grown older, taking care of my body has taken on a new importance.  In the past I took extra care of my body because I wanted to look great.  Often by wanting to look great, I would actually not eat the most healthy, or I would obsess on the wrong areas.  Now, when I think of being healthy, I am not just thinking about what I’m going to leave out of my body, but I think more in terms of what I need to put INTO my body.  I need good things, organic things, the right amount of fruits and vegetables, and the right kinds of fats, and the right kinds of minerals and protein.

Zion’s innocence also makes me think about what I watch on T.V., or what conversations I want to engage in and how I want to make sure I choose my words wisely.   I don’t want his eyes being polluted by the violence and sexual content that is all around us.  I don’t want him to hear the words that are so often spoken with hatred.  And I certainly don’t want him to see the bigotry and prejudice that we live in.  I don’t want Zion to be corrupted by a cold hard world.

I know that we simply must live in this world.  I want to live  IN this world but not OF this world.   I know that I want to be a part of our society and I want to make things better if I can. But it’s HARD.  I am challenged every day as to how I want to take care of my WHOLE body from the inside out.  I really want my body to be physically strong. Since my accident  I still can’t walk without pain.  I want to push myself harder.  I want to be healthy physically and spiritually. I want my spiritual life to radiate God, and I want my life to show that I have committed to a life that is more pure.  I believe that God is able to help us live a life of more integrity, grace and purity.  I’m talking about each of us, all of us, ME  included, should  re-examine our hearts and our lives and measure it up against a pure baby, and world events.   We should look around and ask ourselves if we are living up to our best self, inside and out.  We are all called to live a life of more purity, I really believe this. Purity in our health, our actions, hearts and our spiritual lives.

It’s been interesting for me to consider……  if its not good for Zion then it’s probably not that great for me either.

Our time goes so quickly.

We are polluted in so many ways.

It’s never too late to clean ourselves out.

It’s never too late to realize that we CAN CHANGE some things.

I am INSPIRED by Zion’s purity.

I

am

Challenged

and

I am

Determined

to make some

changes

to

insure my own purity.

I want to sleep better,

eat better,

exercise the best I can

and

I want to spiritually be alive.

As Zion’s grandmother

I want

to ensure that he too

continues

to be as pure as he can be.

So,

I think I need to be

a

good example.

I

am

committing to being on this journey with Zion.

This is what sleeps is supposed to look like

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAI

When I think of Kai I just want to smile.

She brings such joy to our world,

and to everyone around her.

She

dances,

She

sings,

She

laughs ALL the time

and

she loves to talk about princesses in princess castles.

Kai as a toddler

Kai came into our lives 2 years ago.  My son Adam brought a young woman, named Penny, over to my house one day, and baby Kai was in her arms.  She was only about 9 mos. old. From the very beginning she was Special to us.  I loved her, and I loved her mommy. Apparently my son Adam felt the same way.  They will be married this year June 11th. I could not be happier.

Kai calls me Grandma Carolyn, and has since she started to talk. I have always been grandma to Kai, and we knew from the beginning that Kai would be in our family forever. We all love her so very much. Her Aunti Vanessa  has called baby Kai on the phone every morning and night for almost over a year.  Her Aunti Nessa lives in Indiana, and Kai Kai lives in Florida.  Too far away from each other for sure.  Especially now that Cousin Zion is on the scene.

Her Aunti Nessa loves Kai Kai

Kai loves to pick flowers, even as a toddler.

I have such a new appreciation for adoption now.  I always wondered if people that adopt children really can love them as much as if they were “blood”.  I realize now that, Yes, you can love someone that is not your own blood as much as if she was.  ”Blood is thicker than water”……I just don’t agree with it anymore.

How could I not love Kai, she is my son’s daughter, even if the term is “step daughter”.  We do NOT differentiate her as such. This is a great testament to Adam, and to Penny, because there is NO distinction in their home either.

Kai at 2 years old

My relationship with Kai has caused me to go deeper into realizing that our world really doesn’t understand true love sometimes. Love has nothing to do with color, shape, blood, ethnicity, age, country, or religion.  True love is something you Do.  You decide that you love as much as you possibly can.  You decide if you want to love with a love that is fierce and strong.

Kai is so excited to wear Grandma Carolyn's Coach bag

I think we make distinctions that are not needed.  Does it really matter what makes up our family?  Isn’t the most important thing that we love each other.  I see so many people that their “blood” relatives have hurt them, and yet they are supposed to feel like because they are “blood family”, and therefore they need to stand behind them.  I believe with all my heart, that if we would open ourselves up, we would be amazed at who we could love.  We need more loving Families in our world.  Don’t let distinctions and labels hinder you from loving your family as you should.  Blended families, adoption, and foster families are the “norm” now.  I know that there is often jealousy, bitterness, confusion, and lack of acceptance when it comes to siblings, or “ex’s, but I firmly believe that love has to begin with US.  Life is tough, Love is Easier.  I know this to be true.  Not because it’s easy, but because it is the ONLY thing that makes true sense.

Oh to sleep with such Peace.

It doesn’t really matter who is first, or who is second, or who is blood and who isn’t.  What matters is that I have enough love for everyone.  And I choose LOTS of LOVE to go around.

At Grandma Carolyn's house, sitting in the chair that belonged to her daddy as a little boy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KAI KAI

Your Grandma Carolyn loves you.

Kai at about 2 with Grandma Carolyn. I spent a year not being able to walk, and I cherished the lap time.